Great Rivers, Great Challenges, 2010
House of Glass
By
M.C. Bel
I hung up the phone. The frustration and sadness in my Pastor’s voice broke my heart. How had I gotten here? I, too, was frustrated so I got on my exercise machine to pray and work out my frustrations.
I prayed and I thought of many things. Not the least the prophetic word that had been given to me.
“As I pour into you, so you will pout into others. As you hear so you shall speak. Speak boldly as I did when I walked on the earth. Fear not the wrath of men.”
I thought of my ordination and I thought of my struggle over the past three years. What exactly is my problem anyway? I had been so excited and joyful when our fellowship had begun. The Lord had been at work in my life. I knew He had called me there to be a part of His work…how had I gotten to this place of frustration, confusion and strife?
I continued to sweat and ponder and then I heard…”who cut in on you?” I received the question knowing the rest of the scripture is “you were running a good race, who cut in on you?” Help me Lord….Doubt. I had doubted. Doubt and faith cannot occupy the same space. I had a choice to make. I could continue in my agony or I could choose to believe.
I decided at that moment that I was going to believe that the Lord had called me to be a Pastor in my fellowship and that I WAS going to pour into others as He poured into me. I was going to speak boldly as He did when He walked the earth and I was not going to fear the wrath of men. I decided that I was going to write this down and put it everywhere in my house. While humility is good it can be perverted if it hinders the work of God. I declared war in the Name of the Lord on my doubt. I was going to fight!! I was going to believe!!
Suddenly, in that moment of decision EVERYTHNG changed! Suddenly in that moment I began to see clearly. Suddenly in that moment the darkness parted, the veil was torn and something shattered. I understand how the Lord will change us in the twinkling of the eye. I had just experienced it. And then He began to show me what had been taking place in the spiritual realm. He showed me the enemy and his fiery darts. They had been many and had been aimed with precision. I had been a willing target. I had let my shield fall. I had chosen to doubt. Now I knew the who and in moments I knew even when the siege had begun. It was at the Women’s Retreat in 2005…
I so wanted to be useful to the Lord. I wanted to be purified. I wanted everything the Lord would give….I hungered and I thirsted. What wars against the plans of God? Our flesh! I decide to fast and to seek the Lord. Show me my flesh Lord. That I may know it and that it may be crucified. I fasted from all food for the forty days before the women’s retreat.
I was at the Women’s retreat. The teaching was on the freedom the Lord wants to give us if we will only allow it. Jesus came to set us free!! We were told we would be tied as a symbol of bondage. Even the thought of being bound I found suffocating and I hated it when my Pastor tied me even with the thin red yarn. We were tied our arms to our bodies. Around and around the yarn was wrapped. We were told to seek the Lord and to break free when we were ready. Then walk though the smoking torches into the light of day. I broke free quickly. And I walked out into the day light headed to a place I had never been before. Though I loved to walk around the lake at the state park I felt the Lord calling me forward and I found a well spring of water and then another and another and hope and happiness moved with in me. The Lord called me forward and I knew He had a good plan for me and for my husband who was there at the retreat with me. I had never in my life felt freer. I found a weed that bore the most beautiful flower and I felt the Lord speaking of His good work in me.
That night during prayer ministry my husband went forward for prayer and I stood behind him praying as well. Though our Pastor prayed and spoke to my husband I did not try to listen. I just prayed.
As I walked back to my cabin I felt so light. Everything was right. God was on His throne and I was His own beloved child. He had called me. He loved me. He had plans for me and they were good.
I heard my husband call and I turned. “I have to talk to you” he said…and then he told me of how he had stepped back into bondage. He had entered into a lusting relationship with one of his co-workers. It was in his heart and mind, no more. He confessed to me that she knew nothing about it. He told me that during prayer ministry the Lord had exposed his sin. Our Pastor thought I might have heard and told my husband to come to me now to confess and to ask my forgiveness.
I stood there in the dark with my husband. I felt like I was balancing on a razors edge. I thought the Lord had been at work. I thought that this was behind us. I thought of our family and the pain that my husband’s lust had caused. The turmoil within me was explosive. The thought of reliving the pain of the preceding years was more then I could bear. I was stunned. Had the Lord not been at work? Had I not been set free? Had I been self deceived? How could we be standing here on holy ground speaking of such slime? I had been obedient. I had forgiven the unforgiveable. I had prayed. I had sacrificed and I had believed and hoped. I had stood fast when most would have run. How could this be? I thought I was safe at the retreat. I thought the Lord had been speaking hope and a purpose. How could the enemy be at work here in the midsts of “freedom?” As I looked back with the clarity the Lord gave I saw that I felt like I had been ambushed on my honeymoon by a rapist. And truth be told I had! The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy!
And there my husband stood before me confessing and asking for forgiveness. He stood exposed and humbled by the Lord. If, as I look back, I glimpse into the realm of the spirit there were vultures circling over our heads.
I had a choice…I was hurt and I was angry. It had taken years but I had begun to trust my husband again and to feel safe…I thought the Lord had been at work. I thought he was healing my husband. I thought this was behind us….. Forgive?! Had I been deceived?!! THIS was not what the Lord had spoken. THIS was not freedom. Was I deluded?
I turned and went to my cabin. The battle continued all night long. Why had my Pastor sent my husband with that awful news? How could this be the work of the Lord? Something wonderful was happening….why would he dispatch my husband with his confession? Did my Pastor really know what he was doing? Was the Lord showing me my self deception? Was there really a future for my husband and I? The questions came as a flood. All night long I wrestled. How could this be? This could not be the work of the Lord…it hurt too much. It did not fit. Where was the freedom? So many things happen during the moment of decision. I had forgiven enough! . My shield fell….My heart had been breached and it began to harden.
As I look back with the eyes of my heart open. I see the hand of the Lord. I also feel His heart. Was he at work? Yes! Oh Yes in powerful ways that I could not fathom at the time. I had not understood that while the Lord was at work healing my husband it had not been a finished work. It was not possible for me to be free if my husband remained in sin. The Lord was setting my husband and I both free. My husband could not have confessed if not for His grace.
My response however was a very fleshly one….Hmm, remember that I had fasted for forty days asking the Lord to show me my flesh? I had seen enough! My doubt gave the enemy a foothold. My flesh rose up with a vengeance! Had I been wronged? Yes. Was I called to forgive? Yes and while I had struggled and prayed and received the grace to forgive my husband I had not forgiven my Pastor. And what did I have to forgive him for anyhow? I had to allow the Lord to reveal it. It was so hard to even put it into words but I felt that my Pastor had not used wisdom in sending my husband to speak to me when he did. I felt that the revelation that exposed my husband’s sin was from the Lord but the way the revelation was handled was not. I felt if it had been delayed something would have been completed in me and I would have been more able to deal with it. Is this the truth? I do not know. I only know this is what I thought. I did try speaking to my Pastor about this. He felt he acted correctly in the timing. I did not agree. I could not have been more unsuspecting and unprepared for battle. I thought I was safe on Holy Ground. I now know that the only holy ground there is IS the Rock that is Jesus Christ.
I might have been able to stand if someone had held me up. But alone I could not and did not. Somehow I do not think it was a victory for the Body of Christ when I stumbled. I can only pray to learn, forgive and move on. I can only pray to become sensitive and willing to reach out my own hand when someone stumbles.
As I look back with the light the Lord is giving I can see that because of this occurrence I became less trusting of my Pastor and it gave the enemy a foothold and that foothold had come close to destroyoying my relationship with him, this man whom I had been called to serve. The Lord showed me that I had carried unforgivenss with me and by doing so I had given the enemy a foothold. He had tried to pervert everything that was right and good. He had tried. That foothold had just about ended my ministry before it had even begun. But no more!!
The Lord has shattered my prison of glass…And revealed a deception so well devised that it could only be seen when shattered by the arrow faith. The walls came down as the lies crumbled before faith and the shards crunched under my feet as I moved forward in the light of His truth.
As I think of all these things…and there is so much more that I have not recorded…
My Lord speaks to me of His hedge that He placed around me. He shows me His sovereignty and how He allowed this sifting but He also protected me though it. He would not allow me to die. No death would not win and the vultures would not feast on my flesh or my husbands….No, a feast we would not be but rather a living sacrifice. The Lord speaks life and He speaks purpose. He also speaks crucifixion to any who would follow him. The Lord has allowed me by His grace and mercy to see the disease of death within my flesh and it would infect and destroy if it were to be allowed. My own flesh has warred against the plans of God. Great vigilance is required. Humility, confession, obedience. No exceptions. No justifications….for the enemy paces, he watches he waits for that one moment of unconfessed sin. That one moment of holding onto condemnations and unforgiveness that one moment when we think there are grounds for self justification. He waits and he watches looking for any opening. Peter knew it well and now so do I. I confess that I have been deceived. I have doubted and I have paid the price….my sin is before me. But Jesus said to another like me…
"Simon, Simon, satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32
I have turned back by God’s grace. I will strengthen my brothers and my sisters for I believe that I have been called to be a Pastor in my church. I believe that the Lord will pour into me and I will pour into others. I believe that I will speak with boldness as Jesus did when He walked the earth and I believe that I will not fear the wrath of men.
I believe this will come to pass in the Lord's time. I believe for the Lord has spoken. I will believe even when circumstances seem to contradict this word for the Lord’s ways are not mine. He will do it in His time. I will remember His faithfulness with Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Gideon, Paul and Peter. The Lord my God does not change. He is Who He says He is. He loves me and I can trust Him!!